Exhaustion

August 19, 2006
I was talking to my friend Ivy and she said, “My dad put my mother in a nursing home because he was too exhausted to take care of her and then he didn’t rest- he just spent all day visiting her.” That’s ME. So I am trying to use this time as a respite, catch up on my sleep, take care of myself, and try to take care of the million business things I need to take care of.
I picked Ben up and took him to Ditty and Fay’s for some terrific BBQ today and he did okay but he’s pretty darn wobbly- Ditty had to help him back to the car. Ben still asks if he can drive but I just say, “Oh, you know, I feel like driving today.” He accepts that answer so much better than the long explanation.
When we got back to the Lodge, Ben of course wondered why we were going there instead of home to take a nap. I just said, “Oh, it’s kind of a hotel- just for a couple of days.” He was fine with my explanation.
Now that Ben is safe, it’s starting to hit me. I feel slightly in shock and numb and full of fear- and I’ve cried more in the last week then I ever have in my fifty one years of life. But I also feel hopeful that Ben can and will get home soon and continue to get better. I think it’s finally hitting me that I’m grieving for the way things used to be. They will never be the same.